Tesla in Mumbai is a Match Made in Traffic Hell

Elon Musk’s Tesla, known for cutting-edge technology and the promise of a self-driving future, has finally arrived in Mumbai. The company envisions a world where artificial intelligence takes the wheel, reducing human error and making roads safer. It’s a noble dream—with no chance in the chaotic, lawless, and wildly unpredictable mess that is Mumbai’s traffic.

One must admire Tesla’s optimism. Bringing self-driving cars here is like teaching a fish to ride a bicycle. A vehicle relying on lane discipline, pedestrian detection, and traffic light obedience simply can’t function in a city where none of these apply. If Tesla’s engineers had done their homework, they’d know Mumbai’s roads are daily survival trials—where only the most aggressive, reckless, and lucky make it through.

Pedestrians: The Real Kings of the Road

Tesla’s system is built to spot and protect pedestrians. A great feature—if they use crossings, obey signals, or act predictably. In Mumbai, jaywalking isn’t just common; it’s a way of life.

Why wait for a crossing when you can dodge traffic like a matador facing a bull? Mumbaikars have mastered strategic jaywalking—dodging cars, trucks, and cows, all while juggling groceries or typing WhatsApp messages.

Tesla’s pedestrian detection, trained on neat American streets, may short-circuit trying to process this madness. It might stop for a group strolling across a highway—but what happens when an elderly woman steps out and raises her palm in a legally meaningless “stop” gesture? Can it grasp that in Mumbai, confidence equals right of way? Unlikely.

Rickshaws: The Three-Wheeled Nightmares

Next, Mumbai’s auto-rickshaw drivers—the true masters of chaos. If Formula 1 drivers ignored traffic laws and safety, they’d still be more cautious than this lot.

These three-wheeled daredevils squeeze through gaps, cut across five lanes without warning, and pull U-turns in peak traffic. Tesla’s autopilot may predict pedestrian movement—but can it anticipate a rickshaw suddenly swerving from Bandra toward Andheri mid-drive? Or handle a diagonal dash across a highway for a passenger? Doubtful.

Rickshaws believe they own the road. Too small to be respected by cars, too erratic to ignore, their signature move—the sudden sideways swerve—has been honed over decades. Imagine a Tesla trying to calculate whether to brake or accelerate while the rickshaw driver locks eyes with no one and changes direction at will.

Bikers: The Lords of Anarchy

If Tesla thinks it has accounted for all variables, it hasn’t met Mumbai’s bikers. Elsewhere, motorcyclists follow some rules. Here, they’ve shredded the rulebook and torched the remains.

Speeding against traffic? Normal. Bikers trust oncoming cars to move. Tesla’s collision system may detect obstacles—but will it classify a full-throttle biker as a road user or software glitch?

Footpaths? Fair game

Will Tesla expect a biker to use the footpath as a fast lane? Doubtful. Traffic lights? Mere suggestions. At red lights, bikers weave to the front and take off before green. A Tesla stopping politely will be honked at, glared at, or tapped by a biker saying, “Adjust.”

The Honking Culture: A Symphony of Noise

Tesla relies on sensors and AI. Mumbai drivers use honking. A short beep says, “Move.” A long one means, “Move or I’ll run you over.” A series means, “I’m losing it, and you’re why.”

Programmed for silence, Tesla may freeze when bombarded by honks. What if a traffic cop waves it on during a red light? Mumbai runs not on rules but on instinct and willpower.

Road Conditions: Potholes and Floods

Mumbai’s roads resemble lunar craters after light rain. Potholes emerge every monsoon, deep enough to swallow wheels.

Tesla’s suspension is built for smooth rides—not the back-breaking, axle-snapping terrain of Mumbai. Glide over American highways, sure. But here? It must dodge rickshaws, jaywalkers, and wrong-way bikers—sometimes all at once.

Then comes monsoon season, when roads vanish under water, potholes disappear, and even experienced drivers flounder. Can Tesla detect submerged craters or a drifting coconut cart? Highly doubtful.

Mumbai vs. Tesla: Who Will Win?

Tesla’s arrival is like sending a ballet dancer into a street fight. Its faith in self-driving and discipline is laughably out of place in a city run on organised chaos.

To survive, it needs a Mumbai mode—one that handles erratic lane shifts, ignores red lights when needed, and responds to honks with the right mix of aggression and indifference. Otherwise, the sleek dream will stall in traffic, honked into submission by drivers and pedestrians with no time for Silicon Valley idealism.

Welcome, Tesla, to Mumbai—where even artificial intelligence must learn to adjust.

(The author is a journalist based in Mumbai. Views personal.)