Say & accept ‘no’ sometimes; it can be empowering & liberating

CCCAround a decade ago, I read the book The Power of No: Because One Little Word Can Bring Health, Abundance, and Happiness by James Altucher which talks about how a “well-placed no will save you time and trouble.” Ever since, the ability to refuse a request and to accept rejection has caught my attention and each time I chance upon any piece that addresses this issue, my eyes and mind open up even more. I have lapped up quotes by spiritual gurus; listened to videos by Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev and Eckharte Tolle and read pieces on how the ability to politely turn down a request can save you energy, time and stress and also help set healthy boundaries.

Be it spiritual gurus, life coaches or mental health experts, they will all tell you how empowering it can be to refuse a request—now that request can be an extra project at work, a loan you can ill-afford, emotional demands or even a relationship. On occasion, I still find it cumbersome and difficult to say the golden word—no. After all, aren’t we all secretly people pleasers?

But its relatively easier to say ‘no’ than to accept no. We’ve been raised in a culture of always saying yes and hearing yes. And yes, that’s what we subconsciously teach our children as well. “Don’t take no for an answer” is what modern corporate coaches or over ambitious parents will tell their children. It begins in childhood—a child demands, parents give in, sometimes after the initial hesitance or posturing. Rarely do we see parents reason it out with the child explaining why something cannot—and will not—be done or given. Loans are sought to buy a new bicycle or Xbox, screen time deadlines are extended when the teenager throws a tantrum and monthly allowances see a raise when the child cajoles the indulgent parents. Turning down a partner’s desire for a movie night can lead to fights and refusing to gift your wife an expensive solitaire is projected by marketing gimmicks as lack of love. And there we see the beginning of a problem that has the potential to snowball into a dysfunctional society. Our inability to take no for an answer.

The rising crimes against women are a result of multiple factors but can find roots in this very inability to take no from a woman in a highly patriarchal society. Think acid attacks by jilted lovers, rapes of girlfriends who’ve refused the partner’s sexual advances, merciless beatings when the wife’s refused to cook her husband’s favourite meal and murders when women have only said a simple word—which is ‘no’.

Hearing ‘no’ stirs anger and resentment within us especially when we believe that we deserve what we are asking for. Accepting refusal shifts the power balance which a people hate. A sense of entitlement or superiority, be it in class, position or gender, gets shattered when someone refuses to give us what we are demanding. The response can range from silent sulking to an argument to a showdown to crime in an extreme uncontrolled and unhealthy mind.

Acceptance is quite often the key to happiness and peace. And probably a state of being that can prevent unnecessary strife and crime. Parents can put this in their parenting rulebook—teaching their children to refuse and accept rejection.