In Failed Marriages, Men Aren’t Always the Villains

On a wintry Sunday afternoon in Mumbai, an upscale Bandra pizzeria was buzzing with families digging into pizzas and cheesecakes. Amid the din of children and teenagers, a table-for-eight had a group of men intently chatting over endless glasses of wine. Were they metaphorically drowning their sorrows? Probably so. Some were gesticulating animatedly and a few were listing quietly. The mood at the table was sombre but they still, quite obviously, had a common point to bond over. It later emerged that they were all members of a support group for ‘divorced dads’, men who couldn’t shed tears in front of their families or lawyers but sought solace in the company of like-minded sufferers.

Atul Subhash probably didn’t have such a support group to lean on. Or friends and family who could help. Or maybe he felt cornered by the system that, according to many men, favours women in such matters. The Bengaluru-based techie’s suicide has sparked debate, once again, if the domestic violence and divorce laws in India are highly tilted in favour of women. Maybe so. But then, it’s only a corrective measure to counter the years of oppression and violence that women have faced within their homes. A National Family Healthy Survey conducted between 2019 and 2021 showed some startling figures—that almost 30 per cent of married Indian women had faced some sort of violence. For years, women have been at the receiving end of violent acts; can we forget all those cases of dowry harassment and deaths which probably forced people not to want daughters? Even today, women face abuse—subtle and direct—in their marital homes. Indian laws relating to matters of marriage and protection of women within the household were framed to give women greater rights and a stronger voice and make stringent punishment a deterrent.

It’s also equally safe to presume that these laws and rights can be—and are—misused. Subhash’s blood-curdling suicide note accused his wife of ‘harassment and false cases’, drawing attention to the inconvenient social reality that exists but is rarely spoken about—how divorce laws in India are often weaponised against men. Murmurs for a ‘national commission for men’ are also growing, a year after such a proposal was shot down by the court.

Stirred by the case, all attention turned to the Supreme Court. A bench of the top court commented on the misuse of law, especially section 498(A) of the former Indian Penal Code which is now replaced by the Bharatiya Nyay Samhita. The court recognised that ‘there has been a growing tendency to misuse provisions like Section 498A of the IPC as a tool for unleashing a personal vendetta against the husband and his family by a wife.’ In a society that’s seen several years of oppression of women and harassment of young brides, stringent laws tend to protect the woman in a marriage.

For years, calls for addressing the physical, emotional, and financial toll of divorce on husbands have been dismissed, with allegations of harassment by wives often ignored by courts and society’s bias against men persisting. On a busy Friday, the Supreme Court issued eight criteria for determining alimony, likely to guide courts nationwide. On the same day, a PIL sought reforms in dowry and domestic violence laws, which have long protected women but sometimes unfairly penalized men. Meanwhile, prolonged family court battles continue to exact a heavy toll, consuming years that could be spent in better companionship and joy.

Being slammed with accusations of cruelty and violence cannot be easy to handle; having arrest warrants against one’s elderly parents in fictional cases of harassment can stab your emotional well-being and having to shell out large sums of money to an estranged wife who probably earns more than you, can be painful and shattering.

Break-ups and divorces are glamourised by the movies, with women swaying to ‘break up songs’, divorcees finding true love instantly after a legal decree or the ‘heroines’ digging into ice-cream tubs to recover from heartbreak. Divorces aren’t so smooth in real life, especially as many men would endorse. A health survey that I had read stated that divorce is the second most painful incident in one’s life after the death of loved ones. Support groups and seeking professional help from counsellors can be a way of healing and dealing with the pain and loss of a relationship that had once been the focal point of one’s life.

Mental health concerns are like an epidemic that’s waiting to blow up if not addressed. In times of increased professional competition and stress, fragile relationships, break-down of joint families and friendships moving to the virtual world, the best help can come from professional caregivers. An equal society should have laws that protect the rights of all without gender discrimination. But the onus of implementation lies with those who interpret the laws. Sensitisation of the families of those locked in a divorce battle, lawyers, police and the courts can help both men and women get justice. Marriage and divorce should be personal choices and not ones controlled by law.